ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The faceless men and women inside the federal Labor Party who thrust Bill Shorten to power have revealed plans to keep him locked inside a broom closet at the CFMEU headquarters in Melbourne until he’s elected prime minister.
The move comes after fears within the ALP that the Victoria jog-a-holic will fuck up the open shot at goal he’s been given by the Coalition in the lead up to the May 18 election.
Bill, who’s spent this morning farewelling his friends and family, was waiting on Nightwatchman to call an election.
“This has been torture,” said Bill.
“Not knowing when I’d be crammed into the cupboard was very stressful. At least now I know when I’ll be getting out. Res ipsa loquitur, you dickless cowards! Let the good times roll! I’ll see you all when I’m prime minister,”
“Up yours, Bowen.”
On dark this evening, Bill will be locked inside the small closet away from the media.
He’ll be fed via a length of garden hose through a 3-inch hole in the side and his waste will stored in zip-lock Glad bags and smooshed through said hole with the garden hose removed for health reasons.
More to come.