ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

US President Joe Biden told reporters in Washington this morning that he got the full Bali experience while he was away, explaining that despite making great headway diplomatically, he’s bringing something else home with him.

“It’s a goddamn muffler burn,” said Mr Biden.

“Hurts like a bitch! Yeah, a few of us hired some mopeds from these guys outside the hotel and we went a bit mad. I got burned to the shit too, my fucking skin is peeling an orange at a baseball game,”

“Just look at me. But look, Jack, I feel great. It was a great little jaunt to do. Good to see some old faces, great to meet some new ones. That British guy, yeah, uh, Rikishi? No, that was that goddamn wrestler. Rishi, yeah. No, he’s a nice guy. Rich as hell. I like that about a man, yeah, he’s a rich son of a gun. Yeah and seeing my friend Anthony from Australia, great times were had. He can’t ride a motorbike so we left him at the hotel, at least he was honest with us,”

“But mother of Christ, man, that Clarke Gayford from New Zealand? His lovely partner didn’t make it but yeah, Clarke was there. He was up for like, Christ, Tom, what was it? Three days? He brought his moped into the villa and did a burnout on the tiles. I’d never seen something so funny. Tom, did we get his number? We are going to link up when he’s here or I’m in, Christ, what is it? Auckland? No, Wellington. Is that where he lives? Anyway, he told me about his cat that got run over, how it had thumbs or some shit. We were in the club, it was hard to hear. Then he just stopped, got up and did the robot for 30 seconds then got back down and continued. A real Mr Bean type guy, man,”

“Anyway, we’re still on for backing Taiwan so get ready for some turbulence.”

More to come.


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