FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

In a rare PR win, local insurance firm BetootInsure has won the hearts of its loyal customer base by offering new customers a 20% discount for switching from their existing insurance providers.  

BetootInsure, famous for its bizarre television advertisements featuring people driving around in small red plastic cars investigating alien phenomena in nearby Ship Creek, said they were pleased to be able to thank their long-term customers with the special offer, even though they would not be eligible for it.  

“We’ve got customers here that have been with us for over 40 years,” said CEO Colin Nimbus.

“When they signed up back then we were run from a single office above a Chinese takeaway. Now we’re a massive heartless conglomerate with branches in over 17 countries. It really says a lot about how much they value the service we provide and how they obviously couldn’t be bothered shopping around.”

But whilst the announcement has been received positively by new customers, with a small increase in new policies being taken out, the reaction from existing customers has been surprisingly lukewarm.   

“I’ve been with Betoota General Insurance Agency or BetootInsure or whatever they’re called now for 37 years,” said a moderately-flustered Jack Crossley, 86.

“I had a new Ford Cortina, and I went to their original upstairs office. They had a young lass there on the phone. Sheryl, I think her name was. Or Beryl? Anyway, I asked about a policy, and no, it was definitely Sheryl. So anyway, I took out a policy and when I went to pay it they wanted me to wait, no it might have been Merrill. Or Doreen, unless I’m thinking of the bird at the Newsagency. Anyway, fuck these bastards, why don’t I get a 20% discount too?”   

Nimbus however, is adamant that most existing customers support the offer which is available to every single one of Earth’s 7.8 billion residents, except them.

“Sure, there has been a bit of grumbling, but over 54% of existing customers haven’t contacted us, which obviously means that they fully support our drive to expand the BetootInsure family. After all, what would you rather have; more money in your hand, or a bigger family? Exactly.”



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