With the ICAC hearings into foreign influence over the New South Wales Labor party already digging up severely incriminating findings in the first week of hearings, Australia’s most useless criminals are looking to get in the on the action.

Maroubra-based loan shark and former car booster, Warren (35) has had his parents on his case all week about finally making use of his lacklustre criminal skillset.

The ICAC inquiry, which has been probing the circumstances around a $100,000 cash donation from a banned Chinese donor and an elaborate scheme allegedly designed to mask the payment, has found that NSW Labor officials are flat out dumb enough to accept an ALDI shopping bag full of cash from shady Chinese billionaires in their own front office.

“Sounds like they need all the help they can get, Waz!” says Warren’s dad, who has made it clear the family would love for their oldest son to legitimise his criminal activities by applying for a job within the NSW Labor Party.

“You should ask your mates on the wharves if they are hiring?”

“You even did Asian languages at school. Mate, you’d be a walk up start”

“Get your mates in on it”

Warren and his mates Sergio and Con say they were initially a bit concerned that they might not be ‘very employable’ in the eyes of a NSW State MP.

“I never finished uni and I’ve never paid tax” says Warren.

“I actually haven’t ever had a real job. I also don’t know shit about the history of the Labor party”

However, the remaining members of the NSW Labor Party who haven’t already resigned quietly to take a job for Crown Casino or have been incarcerated after having their phone records accessed by Kate McClymont, say that Warren, Sergio and Con are exactly the time of people the Labor party needs right now.

“Better to have Aussies dealing with Chinese donors than one of these Asian students that keep taking all our jobs” said former NSW opposition leader Michael Daley.


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