ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Liberal Party has began the process of waking former Prime Minister John Howard from his cryogenic slumber this morning, leaving him in the proverbial sink to thaw before wheeling him out to bolster support for embattled leader Peter Dutton.
Howard, 85, was successfully reanimated from his temperature-controlled pod deep within Party headquarters this morning, blinking rapidly as he was submerged in a vat of warm liquid goo to restore elasticity to his joints. The procedure, known internally as the Menzies Protocol, is typically reserved for moments of extreme crisis, such as leadership spills or the need for a hastily prepared character reference for both accused and convicted pedophiles.
“We need John more than ever,” said one senior Liberal strategist, watching as Howard’s body began to moved.
“Dutton’s numbers are so bad we’re approaching Simon Crean territory, and frankly, that’s not a place we ever thought we’d be. This is way, way worse than Brendon Nelson. Not as bad as [Alexander] Downer but we are getting to crush depth here with Peter.”
Despite his enduring popularity with rusted-on Baby Boomers, Howard’s appeal to younger voters remains nonexistent. A recent poll found that 68% of Australians under 35 could not identify him, while 12% mistook him for actor John Howard.
Still, Howard remains a potent electoral weapon for certain demographics.
“When he talks about interest rates and tax cuts, I get chills,” said one retiree at the RSL.
“He’s a legend. My hosue would be worth what I paid for it now without him. If it cost the blood of a million Iraqis in an illegal war, I’d do it all again.”
The former PM is expected to spend the next few weeks propping up Dutton’s leadership, before being gently lowered back into his cryo-chamber, ready to be reawakened the next time the Coalition finds itself in existential peril.
It’s understood by The Advocate that the initial plan was to thaw and reanimate Robert Menzies however they dropped him, shattering him corpse into a million pieces on the freezing room floor.
More to come.
