After months of wildly confident pre-election analysis and predictions were proven incorrect during Saturday’s 2019 Federal Election, Australian news publishers are now left with task of breaking down the teflon walls that surround the inner-city Australian echo chamber.

Even newspapers that provided unbridled bias reporting towards the election were left surprised by the re-election of a Morrison government, and there weren’t many not doing that.

While both News Corp, Fairfax (NINE entertainment) and even the ABC showed their hands as Southern-centric media organisations run by people with investment properties that hate paying tax – they still didn’t tip ScoMo to bring it home.

However, no one got it as wrong as The Guardian, who up until seven days ago appeared almost 100% certain that the Liberals wouldn’t win a seat in Queensland and the upper house would be predominantly Green.

“Look, we got it wrong. We’ll be the first to admit that.” says director of news Anne Nandale.

“It just stings us more because none of us actually wanted this result”

“Our organisation is made up of people that are either so wealthy that their nest eggs would confidently survive a housing crash, or so poor that they are willing to put the environment before their non-taxable incomes”

“Our newsroom is made up of the latter.”

However, after last weekend’s result, The Guardian Australia is now forced to confront the fact that they can no longer just publish someone’s writing on the grounds of them having their preferred gender pronouns listed in the bio of their medium-sized Twitter.

“Turns out our efforts of hiring the most woke people in Sydney and Melbourne doesn’t make for very accurate election coverage” says Nandale.

“I used to get excited when I would see someone claiming faint ethnic ancestry with a Macedonian or Greek flag emoji paired with an Anglo last name…”

“Now all I see is just someone who has graduated from a selective high-school in the inner-city and lived in a sharehouse in the same suburb since then”

“Those aren’t the right people to be reporting on the economic fragility and voter disenfranchisement currently being felt across the marginal seats in Central Queensland”

“From now on, we are only hiring reporters who got their degrees from the most exclusive brands of cereals”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here