After the embarrassment of the ‘Sports Rorts’ scandal in which it was revealed that sporting clubs in marginal seats, were substantially “luckier” with grant applications than those in safe Liberal seats, Scotty from Marketing has announced that to make amends, a rollout of Voluntary Euthanasia funding will be sweeping the country between now and the next federal election.

Under the scheme, Voluntary Euthanasia will be immediately legalised in every state and territory and every electorate (except safe Liberal seats) will receive funding to purchase, construct and operate a Voluntary Euthanasia Centre.

“The people have spoken,” said the Prime Minister who is still refusing to reveal one of the reports examining the grants.

“And we will deliver. There are currently 151 electorates in this country, and as soon as we subtract the safe Liberal Seats, that’s how many Voluntary Euthanasia Centres we will build”.

The service will be available for terminally ill voters, voters with a poor quality of life, and voters who meet neither of those criteria but who are not planning on voting for their local Liberal candidate.

To register, interested parties must complete a form explaining why they wish to use the service, and who they are planning on voting for, so their application can be prioritised based on the election date.

When questioned at a press conference on Wednesday, Scotty from Marketing denied the announcement and his new enthusiasm for euthanasia constituted a cynical attempt to influence the election by simply reducing the number of people who weren’t prepared to vote for the Liberal Party, rather than genuine compassion for those who had been fighting for the right to die with dignity.

“No way,” he said, deploying a double thumbs-up for added emphasis.


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