ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Big-Fella-In-Chief down in Canberra has broken his uncharacteristic silence this morning to promise everything will go back to normal once this big rain coming on the weekend arrives.

Scott Morrison, who once worked in marketing, couldn’t help but let a wry smile cross his face as he declared that “things had been a little crazy” over the past few months and “some people said some pretty wild and hurtful things” but all will be forgotten when it rains.

“Hey hey! My my! Out of the blue and into the black! How good’s Bob Dylan, right?” said Scott attempting to warm the reporters up.

“Ok, righto. Let’s get into it then. This rain will end the needless anxiety the kids are feeling about climate change and whatnot, yes. It will. How good’s rain? It’s not bad. In moderation. Too much rain can get ya,”

“That trucker in that song by Paul Kelly got undone by some rain. I can feel the load [Scott swayed erratically to the left] oh ah! Start to shift! Woo! It began to shift in a dance! [Scott swayed erratically back to the right] Or something like that? Am I right, guys? See, it’s the old Scotty! Hey hey, guys! It’s the Nightwatchman! Watch me block your questions like I’m Alan bloody Border! Ah-ha! Whatta ya say, guys?”

“Engadine Maccas!”

“When it rains and all the farmers are happy and the fires are out, it’ll feel like 1999 again. That magical year before the Olympics! Wasn’t that just the best time? We were all so happy, now everybody’s fucked!”

The Prime Minister’s media advisor finally found him and with a look of terror on his face, ran over to put the presser to a close.

All of a sudden, the sound of Bob Katter rolling down Parliament Hill filled the parliamentary courtyard and one by one, the reporters filed out to see if he was OK once he reached the bottom.

More to come.


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