ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

As Australia maintains it’s age-old position of being exactly two-weeks behind the rest of the world, nations that have experienced the full force of the COVID-19 spread have pleaded with the people of this land to stop acting like a bunch of Australians and to take this thing seriously.

The British healthcare system is teetering on collapse, estimates suggest the United States is on track to becoming the epicentre of this virus in the coming weeks and most of continental Europe is in a state of lockdown.

Nevertheless, around our nation, people are leaving their homes when they don’t need to and going places that they’ve been told not to go.

Speaking to the World Health Organisation today in New York, the group’s deputy vice president, Oliver Dartmouth, explained that while most countries were taking steps to make sure ‘the curve is flattened’, one of those countries is not Australia.

“We all know what Australians are like,” he said.

“You know, there’s something innate within all Australians whereby if an authority or government gives them any privilege, whether it be great or small, the people of Australia will take the piss out of that privilege until the government has to take it away,”

“For example, have you noticed why there’s no rooftop bars in any Australian cities? I mean real ones, like you get in New York or London. There’s no rooftop bars because Australians would throw things from them until somebody died and then they’d be banned. The government knows this would happen so they don’t even allow the concept of rooftop bars to even be discussed,”

“The only way you’ve be able to lockdown Australia is with the threat of death. If you leave your apartment or house, you will be shot in the street. And even then, there’d be Australians who’d leave their house thinking getting shot dead by the army two blocks from their home couldn’t possibly happen them – until it did. Oh no! Mr Soldier, I only wanted to stock up on some Ribena! Kapow! Chick! Chick! Kapow!”

The entire assembly turned to look up the sole Australian representative there and all that proud Queenslander could do smile and shrug.

“Guilty! [laughs]” he laughed.

Every other representative laughed, except the German one and they moved onto the next order of business.

More to come.


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