With Melbourne (the most locked-down city in the world during the worldwide virus shutdown) coming out of another lengthy lockdown, it has been confirmed by scientists at the CSIRO that it is indeed a dangerous day to be a beer.

As punters line up to get their fill, many arriving at 7am on the dot, even with the facemasks and the bozzos who can’t figure out how to show their jab certificate, there seems to be a real sense that everything is going back to normal. 

This feeling of normality was confirmed for drinkers at Fitroy’s Ugly Betty Tavern as local prick Ian Maley (43) became the first Melbourne man to shout ‘taxi’ after lockdown.

Shouting ‘taxi’ after a glass breaks is an ancient Australian pub tradition, harking back to the era when taxis were the preferred method of getting drunk people home safe. 

Once a beloved joke that could get a whole pub laughing, in recent years the decree has gone out of vogue and is now more effectively known as the best way to determine who you should avoid starting casual chit-chat with later.

Earlier today, Ugly Betty bartender Erin Almahad (24), who has not worked in almost five months, broke a pint glass, causing Maley to shout ‘taxi’ and restore balance in a hopefully post-virus world.

“I was the first one to do it after the first lockdown too!” stated Maley as he inhaled a plate of loaded parmigiana veggie fries.

“And the lockdown after that. And the one after that. And the one after that one too.”

From the unimpressed look of the other patrons, it was clear they were not enthused by Maley’s antiquated attempt at humour but appreciated the return to routine nonetheless. 

“What an asshole,” stated one patron as they sipped a refreshing beer from a vessel southerners call a ‘pot.’

“God bless him.”


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