RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

A Laptop has been seen careening through the air in Betoota’s Old City District this afternoon, after it was unceremoniously launched from the 8th story balcony of a nearby apartment building.

The Advocate can confirm the laptop crashed down to earth near popular Das Haus Café on Station Street, mere inches away from our reporter who had just exited from an underground $2 peeps where he had been investigating a story.

From his 8th story apartment, laptop owner Simon Heaney (36) informed The Advocate he had been forced to throw out his laptop after making too many dumb, emotional trades via his CommSec account. 

With the looming recession creating a hyper volatile market place, causing stock prices to moon then plummet several times a day, the sensitive soul’s paper hands were finding it all too much to bear.

“I’m making panicked trades based off emotion and they’re all bad. My only option is to cut off access to my CommSec account. If I can’t make trades, I win. So bye-bye laptop,” he said. 

The emotional trader fidgeted while frantically pacing the room. Without warning, he began waffling on about the state of world markets. Something about interrelated reverberations caused by the constant flux of micro and macro-economic forces at the local and global scale.

“You know Game of Thrones? Hodor? ‘Hold the door’? Well, me throwing my laptop out the window was me Holding On for Dear Life, HODL! That’s my investment strategy from now on,” a wild-eyed Heaney explained before launching into what was a very poor Hodor impersonation, “HODL!” 

Our reporter politely chuckled and complimented him on his cleverness before asking whether he had access to CommSec on his phone, too. 

This startled the man, the whites of his eyes overtaking his pupils as he absently fondled the phone in his pocket. 

“Dammit!” He cried. Tearing the phone out of his pocket, he began walking briskly towards the balcony. 

Our reporter asked Heaney to stop and think before emotions got the better of him again, suggesting that all he need do was delete the CommSec App.

But it was no use. The emotional investor piffed his smart phone off the balcony across two city blocks and screamed, “HODL!” 


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