FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

As the COVID-19 precautions are expanded, a new rule has enraged civil libertarians and biscuit aficionados alike. Under the rule, the popular biscuit is not to be split and shared in Victoria, NSW or Queensland, in case the deadly virus is also inadvertently passed on.  

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews was seen at several Victorian supermarkets today, opening Scotch Finger packets and gaffa-taping the biscuits together, before re-sealing the packet.

“These are desperate times” said Andrews.

“And we all need to take extra precautions to ensure this virus cannot spread,”

This is why there is to be no sharing of Scotch Finger biscuits. Also, security guards are not to have sex with Scotch Finger biscuits, or any biscuit in general. I never thought I would have to clarify that, but clearly some people need to have it spelled out for them.” 

Biscuit enthusiasts are outraged over the new rule, with a protest planned for Melbourne CBD on Saturday. When asked about whether he would allow the protest to go ahead, Andrews was adamant that it would probably not matter, maybe. 

“Yeah, I dunno. You probably shouldn’t go, but if you do you should take precautions, because there is little chance of contracting the virus which you could easily catch.” clarified the Victorian Pariah.

“But stay home, unless it’s important to you, in which case you should go but stay home anyway, just to be safe”. 


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