ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Despite knowing practically nothing about criminal law, a local corporate lawyer has told The Advocate today that he’s ‘basically’ been the first legal port-of-call for his friends seeking some explanation during the Cardinal Pell trial.

Hayden O’Yams, a very polite and happy-go-lucky commercial litigation specialist at Claycuck Piper & Ellison in our town’s fabled French Quarter, said for the past couple weeks, he’s been bombarded by outwardly moronic and asinine questions from his friends that he’s tried to the best of his ability to answer.

“Questions like: ‘How many years will Pell get?’ and ‘Will he get off on appeal?'” said the 27-year-old associate.

“They won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer, either. They don’t buy it, my friends think law is just a degree you learn and then you’re done,”

“Mate, I can’t tell you how glad I am this whole thing is over. Now they’ll probably go back to show little, if any interest in my professional life – which is fucking fantastic because when I’m not at work, I try not to think about work.”

Young O’Yam’s sentiments were echoed by one of his deadshit mates, Lachlan ‘Boatshoe’ Poon.

The simple Poon told our reporter that Hayden has been ‘most helpful’ during Cardinal Pell’s trial – adding that his insight and knowledge of the legal system made understanding what was happening possible.

“He acts like he knows everything, because he actually does,” he said.

“Answering every Pell-related question me and the rest of the boys had about the trial with such confidence and panache. Fuck me, I love that fucking word! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache! Panache!”

“Anyway, what where we talking about again?”

More to come.

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