After first being traced to a food market in Wuhan, then linked to a mediocre Mexican beer in a Betoota Advocate exclusive, the Coronavirus has now been linked to that shitty car everyone’s aunty used to drive.

“It all makes sense now” says Facebook disease expert Jack from Wollongong, who has taken a break from warning everyone about how the 5G network causes bubonic plague.

“Like, it’s even in the name and everything. I mean, the symptoms are an increased temperature, just like you would have if you parked a 1970s car with vinyl seats and no air con in the sun while you picked up some classy home décor from Copperart.”

“And wheezing and coughing, like a naturally aspirated pre-EFI 4 cylinder engine as it tries to lug around a ton of sweaty steel and a couple of rolls of brown velvet fabric from Venture or a new orange Electrolux vacuum cleaner from Norman Ross.”

“That’s exactly what my aunty used it for, and now she’s dead. I mean, it was because she drank a case of West Coast Cooler and tried to drive home in the Corona, but it makes you think doesn’t it? Like maybe that’s how it all started or something.”

But the experts aren’t so sure.

“What? What are you talking about?” said a spokesperson from the Australian National Centre for Disease Control.

“Who is this? Please stop calling.”

More to come.


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