After two weeks in mandatory quarantine detention for something he had no say in, The Member For Dickson is growing increasingly restless.

At 5:57 p.m on March the 13th, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton revealed he had tested positive for coronavirus, becoming the country’s 156th confirmed case.

Shortly after his diagnosis, he faced a mutiny from his subordinates at Border Force who ordered him on a one way flight to the Christmas Island detention centre which has been doubling as an off-shore quarantine station for Asians. However, this was not before he shook hands with hundreds of people, becoming one of Queensland’s ‘super-speaders’ – even going as far sharing this horrible illness with an Airtasker handyman he had paid cash to fix a simple man task at one of his investment properties.

Since his detainment, however, it seems Peter Dutton has begun to entertain a different brand of political ideology, as he begins to sympathise with the helpless refugees he has been locking up indefinitely in off-shore processing centres since well before his failed dash at ousting Prime Minister Turnbull.

Last week it was revealed that Dutton had scaled the roof of the Christmas Island detention centre, in protest of the blatant abuses of his human rights as someone who fled from overseas after becoming one of the many people suffering as a result of a global crisis that they had no control over.

However, after nearly ten days detained in the infamous Detention centre that was reopened and left mostly unused at a cost of $185m so that the government could say they were shutting down the other detention centres where everyone was killing themselves and getting raped by guards – Dutton is now comfortable in his new skin – as a raging leftie.

In fact, The Member For Dickson has had such a polticial turn-around, that he now refuses to go by any name other than Comrade Dutton.

Speaking to the Betoota Advocate from his cell this afternoon, Comrade Dutton chops up a couple buds of high-grade Malay cannabis that he had smuggled in by some marxist delivery men from the Flying Fish Cove settlement.

“Check out the new digs” says Dutton, gesturing to his decrepit holding cell.

“I’m glad as a government official that they’ve given me the opportunity to put up some posters”

“Some people detained by the Honourable Scotty From Marketing don’t even get to read books”

Dutton briefly pauses while fixated on his new ‘It’s Time’ poster from the Whitlam campaign. He’s either deep in thought, or so stoned he forgot what he was saying.

“You know…” he says, while aggressively scraping out the THC residue from his gatorade billy.

“That’s why we’ve gotta fight”

“Right now, this fascist government is using coronavirus to pass authoritarian laws that will never be repealed”

“You can get detained for fuck all. Like, as citizens. Forget about the poor brown people who came to Australia fleeing war. We can get detained in our own streets!”

“If a cop thinks you’ve got a cough. You can get detained, at his discretion.”

“AVOs can be issued without a hearing. Judge only trials. Prisoners, including children can be refused visitation. Sounding familiar, man?”

At time of press, Peter Dutton was dropping the needle on the vinyl edition of “Reclaim Australia” by Australian rap duo, A.B. Original.

“I love this shit” he whispers, before ripping a Kosciuszko and tapping the cone piece with his lighter like a true bong warrior.


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