ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has today unveiled his party’s bold new approach to policy development, confirming the Coalition will now be conducting community surveys to determine which deeply unpopular ideas to publicly abandon before the next election.
The announcement comes after the party quietly ditched plans to sack 41 000 public servants and ban flexible work arrangements, following widespread backlash from almost every Australian with a decent sized mortgage and the indignity of having a wife that needs to work in order for the family to make ends meet.
“We’ve heard the feedback,” said Dutton.
“And that feedback was very loud. And very female.”
Originally pitched as a cost-saving crackdown on the public sector, the plan to send Canberra workers back into the office five days a week while outsourcing their roles to PwC and KPMG turned out to be electoral cyanide, enraging young professionals, exhausted parents, and anyone who doesn’t enjoy sitting on Northbourne Avenue for 90 minutes each morning.
“We thought it was a winner,” said one senior Liberal staffer.
“Turns out people hate losing their jobs and being told to get back into the office by a bloke who’s never unloaded a dishwasher.”
With the polling showing a full-scale revolt among key demographics, including mortgage belt mums, disenfranchised young men and anyone under 40 who’s ever used Slack, the Coalition has now promised to “review all policies that risk making Peter look like an unrelatable lunatic.”
Asked whether the Coalition has any policies it’s actually willing to take to an election, Dutton said that leadership is about “listening to the Australian people and then frantically adjusting your values to fit.”
“We’re not here to stand firm,” said Dutton.
“We’re here to win. And we’ll say whatever you want if you’ll bloody vote for us.”
More to come.
