
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Coalition has announced plans to award a $532 million contract to a weathered beach shack on Kangaroo Island to oversee offshore processing of asylum seekers despite Manus Island’s detention facility being closed since 2017.
This ambitious proposal was revealed by Opposition Leader Peter Dutton as part of the Coalition’s new “Government Efficiency” platform, now helmed by Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price. The initiative has raised eyebrows, given that offshore processing has already cost taxpayers $9 billion over four years, averaging more than $573 000 per selfish queue-jumper annually.
“Labor might think wasteful spending is normal, but not us,” declared Price, standing in front of a giant photo of the shack inside Parliament House.
“This shack exemplifies lean government. No waste, no frills. Just good old-fashioned Aussie ingenuity. And a PO Box in Singapore.”
The Manus Island detention centre was shut down in 2017 after being ruled unconstitutional by Papua New Guinea’s Supreme Court, but the closure has done little to stem the torrent of cash flowing into offshore processing. Despite dwindling numbers of asylum seekers, costs remain staggering. Nauru alone still soaking up $485 million annually to care for just 22 detainees.
When asked why the Coalition was planning to pump a lazy half billion into a defunct operation, Dutton said, “It’s about looking after those who have looked after us.”
Kangaroo Islander, Trevor Rutherford (the shack’s new owner) admitted he was caught off guard by the announcement.
“I was just tending to my cannabis plants when the phone rang,” said the retiree.
“Not sure what running offshore processing involves, but Bruce (a 9-year-old pug) and I are up for it.”
Critics have been quick to point out the apparent contradiction between the Coalition’s push for “efficiency” and its willingness to spend half a billion dollars on what amounts to a backup plan involving a glorified asbestos tent and an elderly pug.
“It’s not very efficient to do this,” said one government spokesperson.
“When Peter Dutton says he wants to Get Australia Back On Track, he means back to the golden age of unaccountability under Scott Morrison. That’s the track he wants us to get back on.”
Dutton shrugged off the criticism, citing the need for “practical solutions” and praising Trevor for his “boots-on-the-ground expertise.” He also suggested the shack’s remote location would make it easy to avoid oversight from “out-of-touch, EV-driving Canberra bureaucrats.”
The announcement has certainly spurred discussion around the Coalition’s broader policy platform, which includes cuts to wasteful spending, such as the Voice referendum, under the newly minted Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). The platform, modeled on Elon Musk’s US initiatives, is said to focus on trimming unnecessary expenses, starting, apparently, with common sense.
As for Trevor, his only concern is scaling up to meet demand.
“Might have to make a few less trips in to Adelaide to sell my produce,” he said.
“This is almost like winning PowerBall, except now I have to build a business around this government contract, like the real Paladin.”
More to come.