ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Political hopeful Clive Palmer has today announced that he’s permanently moving to the New Caledonian capital, Nouméa, in his latest bid to make Australia ‘great’ again.

The flighty Victorian explained to reporters this morning in Coolum that he’s been thinking about it for a while and has come to terms with the fact the political discourse, and the natio in general, would be better off without him.

“That’s the reality of the situation,” he said, taking a sip from his chilled glass of olive oil.

“My outright refusal to pay my fair share of tax, pay my workers what they’re owed and my willingness to jump into bed with foreign investors at the drop of a hat makes me hard to be a part of tomorrow’s Australia,”

“So I’m moving to New Caledonia. I’ve already downloaded DuoLingo and I’ve been practising on my flights around the country. In my $4m private jet that’s registered in the Cayman Islands so I don’t have to pay tax on it,”

“But I still plan on running for PM this year. I’ll still have my passport.”

When asked by a curious ABC reporter why he’s drinking a pint of chilled olive oil at 9 o’clock on in the morning, Palmer said it ‘keeps him young’ and helps him maintain ‘a healthy Mooloolaba pallor.’

Satisfied, the ABC reporter looked over at our reporter, who was the only other member of the media who bothered to attend the press conference, and shrugged.

Our reporter shrugged back and then left.

More to come.


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