ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Yuppie households across the cities and towns are starting to feel the pinch on all fronts but one pantry staple is beyond the pale, according to one French Quarter man.

The price of cauliflower rice, a popular substitute for regular rice in households that have paid the luxury car tax more than once, is now edging closer to $400 a gram.

It’s a price not seen since the great cauliflower blight of 1998, an event that saw close to 90% of the nation’s crop die out.

Adrian Kayle remembers it well.

“Because I wasn’t able to get my cauliflower rice, which is low carb, I had to start eating regular old white rice. Six weeks later, I had a smashing pair of man tits and a barge arse that’d only fit in a pair of beige 42 Gazmans,” he said.

“I was an absolute mess and it was because I wasn’t getting my cauliflower rice.”

The 42-year-old corporate johnny now fears the same will happen again.

“I’m lucky we were able to save a lot of money, build a lot of equity and get ahead during the pandemic so the inflation doesn’t hurt us too much. But I fear it’ll be death by a thousand increases. Petrol, renovations, car repayments. Groceries and fresh produce. I paid $48 for a steak on Sunday and it wasn’t even that nice,”

“To be honest, I don’t know how anyone earning less than my household can survive. It’s spectacularly difficult.”

The Advocate reached out to the two major price gouging, farmer abusing fuck supermarket chains in this country for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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