ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Doctors at Royal Betoota Base Hospital have confirmed that mining magnate Clive Palmer “would get rolled by coronavirus in 30 seconds or less”, which has left many in our nation’s West wondering why he’s fighting to open the borders.

Mr Palmer’s challenge to the border closure is before the Federal Court this week and will proceed to the High Court if he doesn’t get the result he wants.

The Western Australian government has admitted to this masthead and the ABC that the Big Fella’s position is strong and the risk of him winning the challenge is significant.

“We understand that Mr Palmer’s motives to open the borders are solely motivated by money alone,” said Premier McGowan.

“But we’re doing this for the safety of the people of the West. Nothing more, nothing less. Things are good here, in the scheme of things.”

Dr Leyland Taylor from Royal Betoota Base Hospital explained to our reporter that while he appreciates that Mr Palmer is losing money every day with the borders being closed, he won’t be able to enjoy the money if he’s dead.

Taking into account his health, Dr Taylor said Clive could expect to live roughly 30 seconds after a positive coronavirus diagnosis.

“I don’t think people understand, even now, that COVID-19 can and will fuck you up. Regardless of wealth, class, age and sex. If you get it, your lungs will never, ever be the same again,”

“It’s just odd that somebody with such a high personal risk of death is willing to not only endanger himself – but a whole state of people just for a bit of dosh, is incredibly depressing,”

“In fact, in terms of billionaires, the only ones in this country that wouldn’t die almost immediately is the Atlassian dudes and the Canva founder. It’d probably put that Anthony Pratt in the ground quicker than it would Clive,”

“And I say that with a grain of salt. Mike Cannon-Brooks looks like he knows how to throw a party.”

More to come.


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