ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

It’s tools down at the Greens headquarters in Melbourne this afternoon as Adam Bandt claims victory in the hotly contested seat of Melbourne this afternoon.

“Everybody to the Giddy Pigeon! We’ve fucking done it!”

Bandt’s historic victory comes at the cost of his Labor opponent’s political future.

The man Labor chose to slay Mr Bandt at this years election, Luke Creasey, was forced to resign today amid claims he made a string of innapropriate rape jokes a number of years ago.

The ABC’s election guru, Anthony Green, has described today’s events as one of the biggest bedshits he’s seen.

“In layman’s terms, Luke [Creasey] has bascially had a large, spicy meal last night. During the night, his tummy has started rumbling and Luke has started to feel a bit sick,”

“Then he’s gambled on a fart and lost. He’s basically done a big shit in his bed. It’s fucking disgusting. I’m glad I wasn’t there to see it soak into his Koala mattress, forcing him to buy another. It was spectacular.”

However, Adam is humble in victory.

Our reporters repeatedly asked him to comment on the state of Mr Creasey’s mattress but each time he politely declined.

“The Greens have a long and esteemed history in shitting the bed so I’m not going to comment until the election is over,” said Bandt.

The Advocate caught up with Adam at the Giddy Pigeon, his favourite pint parlour in Melbourne, arguably the worst place in the whole of Australia.

“But until then, what’s your poison? A grapefruit lager?”

Our reporter clicked off his recorder and left.

More to come.


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