EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

As MPs set up crowdfunding pages to support those affected by floods, many residents were left feeling quite shocked when it was revealed that Prime Minister Scott Morrison had pledged $70 million in humanitarian aid and weapons to Ukraine. 

Not, of course, because the support isn’t needed, but due to the fact that only a fraction of the disaster recovery fund has been used so far, as Australia residents battle losing their homes and businesses. 

It’s alleged Scotty had been quite tight-lipped concerning the details of the lethal aid, stating that he ‘doesn’t plan on giving the Russian government a heads up about what is coming their way’ – leaving many people to ponder if the PM was just talking a big game as usual – or if Australia harboured some secret weaponry.

Though there have been rumours of super sharks and emus descended from those who fought in the great emu war, an inside source from The Australian Defence Force tells The Advocate that Twitter speculation could not be further from the truth.

 In fact, if the nation knew what we were sending over there… They find themselves in the uncomfortable position of actually sympathising with Russia.

“I’ve seen it myself and Scott is right, Russia won’t know what’s coming”, said the ADF whistleblower.

 “Those nuclear warheads don’t stand a chance.”

The secret weapon? A rum drunk concreter named Boyd.At 29-years-of-age, Boyd has spent the last decade of his life avoiding incarceration for previous bodily harm charges between Rockhampton and Maroochydore, a true pioneer of the coward punch.

It is not exactly known at this point where exactly the Ukrainians will deploy Boyd, but one thing that is for certain, is that he will be sent directly to the frontlines.

“He’s a fucking tank.” Said the unnamed ADF source. 

“And not the type of tanks we are seeing on TV. The type of tank that can destroy a TAB with his bare hands when he loads up his entire fortnightly pay check on a donkey”

“He ordinarily quite a peaceful bloke, if you get to know him, but once you get him on the rums… Fucken watch out”

“I’ve seen him towel up eight scaffolders at Zodiacs in rocky, while on crutches.”“If they can keep him well oiled on the sugarcane champagne. This is very bad news for the Russians”

“This conflict just stepped up a notch.”

More to come.


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