One Melbourne-based animal rights advocate has today experienced a life-changing turn-around, after witnessing heartbreaking scenes on a cattle station he had trespassed onto in the Gulf Country.

Guthrie Marley (35) says he’s been forced to reconsider his extremely privileged position as a white inner-city hipster who has the luxury of being able to protest the fact that livestock who can’t even recognise their own reflection don’t get to live to 90-years of age like ex-Melbourne private school boys.

“This has been absolutely heartbreaking” he told our reporters.

“Here I was thinking that I could change the entire planets eating habits by trespassing onto a family business and imposing my diet-based political views onto them”

However, as Guthrie soon found out, there’s fuck all cattle to protect up North – after the recent floods killed 500,000 of them – leaving devastated mums and dads with nothing to their name except a shovel to bury the rotting corpses.

This comes just a week after protestors were arrested in Betoota for a failed attempt at trespassing on a local feedlot.

Three ‘indoor cats’ were charged with intention to free 140 steers and 35 heifers from a holding paddock, only to have their self-congratulatory activism thwarted by a tricky latch on a gate.

None of the internet-based vegans could work out that the toe of a boot was needed under one of the gates to lift it up and make the gap between the gates small enough to unhook the chain.

Police will allege that the group decided to ‘raid’ the feedlot after finding out about it on the controversial Aussie Farms map, which is owned and run by people who hate hard working Australian farmers and their families.

However, as Guthrie soon found out, there wasn’t even a gate for him to open – after every single post in North West Queensland was destroyed by by the disastrous floods that saw three years worth of rain destroy the region in less than a week over the start of March.

“This is a fucking disgrace” spat the protestor, in a new Western QLD drawl.

“Where’s the fucking National Party? These people have lost everything”

At time of press, Guthrie had told locals that he’s started seeing a new governess from one of the stations up near Julia Creek, and had found work as a fencer.

He is now a card-carrying member of the Katter Australia Party.


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