Sydney City is today still reeling from the destruction of hosting two factions of Australia’s most hardcore football fans in the one place, at the same time on Saturday evening.

Moore Park was ground zero over the weekend as the NRL’s most devout supporters converged with their Victorian equivalents, creating a vortex of lunacy that nearly burnt the city to the ground.

Witnesses say it was similar to watching the Chinese Army running drills alongside Russia, as the ecstatics South Sydney Rabbitohs fans merged with the heartbroken Collingwood supporters – and ran riot on the Harbour Capital.

“We will rebuild” said Premier Dominic Perrottet this morning.

“This was nobodies fault. We were honoured to host both an NRL semi-finals at the SFS and as well as an AFL preliminary final at home next door in the SCG”

“Unfortunately this meant, for the first time in recorded history, the AFL’s biggest sickos and the NRL’s biggest sickos were allowed to meet each other in the streets of Moore Park”

“What happened next was the scariest evening this city has faced since we had Japanese submarines in shelling our city from the Harbour”

Emergency service crews have been working around the clock to repair the still smouldering city from the damage caused by the sea of red, green, white and black.

Perrottet says aside from the street fights and property damage, Sydney must now also accept that every pub in the CBD has also run dry of VB and Tooheys New.

“We had close to 150,000 of the most villainous football fans tearing this city apart for 24 hours. Some were rolling cars and throwing Molotov cocktails out of joy, others were doing it out of sheer disappointment”

“It’s a small price to play to see the Swannies and the Bunnies make it through in their respective finals runs. I would say that Melbourne don’t know how lucky they are that we jumped on the grenade. The only thing they have to worry about next week is running out flat whites when half of Bondi head down to the MCG”

Prime Minister Albanese was asked for his comments on the destruction of his home city, but appeared completely unconcerned.

“How good was that” said Albo.

“It was like the Federal Election all over again. Hahaha. Fuck Cronulla”

“And actually. Fuck Collingwood too. HA HA”


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