FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact
Scientists from CSIRO’s Behavioural Analysis Division have been forced to admit they still have no idea why people continue to watch golf on TV. The embarrassing admission from Australia’s peak scientific body has thrown the future of the project in doubt with a government insider admitting the Division is up for a ‘Budget Review’.
“At first we thought that the audience consisted of people who couldn’t change the channel because their remotes had flat batteries.” explained Doctor Justin Cohen.
“But how could they turn the TV on with flat batteries? And if the batteries suddenly went flat after the TV was turned on, why can’t they just turn it off at the wall?”
“Our most plausible theory is that the people who watch golf have TV remotes with batteries that go flat immediately after turning the TV on, and who also have a large piece of furniture blocking the TV’s power point, and they are unable to leave the room because they have somehow locked themselves in the room which has a deadbolt on the door or something”.
However, other theories have been considered, including the possibility that ASIO is using televised golf to extract crucial information from suspects. This theory has some merit because Australia is a signatory to the United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment (UNCAT).
This, in part, bans public officials from the infliction of severe physical or mental pain or suffering for the purpose of extracting a confession or information.
Since golf television programs are technically not designed specifically to inflict pain, it is possible that a secretive government organisation is using it for other purposes, which would go same way to explain why the results are yet to be released.
Meanwhile, the CSIRO’s extensive research on the subject continues.
“We still haven’t found anybody that actually watches golf on TV, which does make it challenging to collect data” admits Doctor Cohen.
“I mean somebody must watch it, otherwise it wouldn’t be on TV, would it?”