In a genuinely shocking story out of the Covid capital of the country, Melbourne’s wealthy horse owners will have to follow the same rules as everyone else this weekend.

This follows the Victorian Racing Minister’s decision to back down on a decision to allow owners and connections to attend the Cox Plate this weekend.

The Minister for the ‘Sport of Kings’ had previously announced that up to 500 owners and connections would be able to attend the 100th running of the Cox Plate, given it’s ‘occasion,’ which was somehow deemed more historic than the worst pandemic in a century.

However, the Minister has confirmed that it was actually pretty fucking stupid to think that letting 500 wealthy Melbournians skirt the rules that have stopped people from attending the funerals of their loved ones was a good idea.

“Yeah, as much as I would love to look after my friends, current and prospective business partners and acquaintances, I realise now that I’d get the green tarp put up around with me if I allowed that to happen,” explained the Minister.

While average punters are relieved that the State Government has seen the light, Toorak man Hawthorn Kooyong, who sits on the board of, or runs some hedge fund thing, says it’s ‘bloody ridiculous.’

“We’re not some degenerates who’ve rolled in from Dandenong wanting to get on the piss in General Admission,” he said.

“I’m an owner, and the amount of money I pump into this sport, I deserve to have the rules bent for myself, and my wife who I won’t talk to for more than 5 minutes cause I’m busy trying to network.”

“I never thought this socialist government could get any worse, but clearly it can.”


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