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The rest of nation is beginning to question what the fuck Brisbane was thinking by allowing sixteen NRL teams into their city to play eight games of rugby league over the one weekend.

Over 300 thirsty and sexually-charged NRL players will be in Brisbane for a festival of footy at Suncorp Stadium starting from Thursday. The inaugural Magic Round.

The NRL Integrity Unit say they will be doing their best to manage off-field behaviour, and are aware that the carnival atmosphere might excite the boys a little bit.

“We have set up a pop-up complaints tent in The Valley” says NRL Chairman Peter Beattie.

“Citizens are encouraged to report any sex-tapes or punch-ons. Be they in bathroom stalls or beer gardens. We understand that the people of Brisbane are very nervous about this weekend”

Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has reportedly asked that state’s police to revert back to ‘Sir Joh tactics’ while patrolling the Caxton street and Fortitude Valley nightlife precincts this weekend.

“I’ve told our police to lead with the baton” she said, while standing next to a sign-language translator during an emergency Magic Round press conference this morning.

“We can’t take any chances. 300 rugby league players in one city. That has the potential for 300 drunken assaults. Or more”

We have brought in the same

Palaszczuk says that aside from overzealous police presence, if things go as bad as they are destined to go, she’s willing to call a state of emergency and bring in the tear gas and water hoses.

“If we have to, we will have trained marksman firing off rubber bullets mounted on high-rises throughout the city” she said.

“This is the G20 handbook. We are taking all necessary precautions”

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