Fans, players and club administrators say they’ve been more excited to see the end of an off-season, as the Brisbane Broncos and the Melbourne Storm prepare to battle it out for Round 1 of the Telstra Premiership at AAMI Park tonight.

High-ranking officials for the game say that kick-off couldn’t come soon enough, after the 2018/19 ‘off-season from hell’ – that saw countless incidents of players being arrested, charged, featuring in sex tapes, and choosing to not vaccinate their kids.

“Working with police across all three states and the ACT, we are excited to announce that all criminal charges will be dropped at approximately 7:50 PM tonight” says a spokesperson for the NRL integrity unit, Leta Dubois-Plaigh.

“All players will be cleared of all charges tonight, the moment Cameron Smith kicks off”

“Everyone except he-who-shall-not-be-named up in Townsville, and of course, that other alleged felon down in Wollongong are good to go”

“And thats it! Now let’s do this!”

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says she agrees with this ruling, and the NRL and NSW Police have her full support to provide amnesty to the players, providing they are playing good enough footy to justify the three new stadiums she has just poured $2 Billion dollars into.

Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk says the player immunity program is also welcome up north, because front pages about the Broncos and Cowboys are imperative to covering up her frequent trips back and forth from Mumbai to meet with Gautam Adani.

However, Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews says he’s a bit skeptical about this new initiative of providing high-profile footballers with immunity from criminal charges, as it didn’t work out very well when Victoria Police were doing a similar thing for the Catholic church. However, he is adamant that no one knows who these people are anyway, so whatever.

Round one will continue tomorrow night with a showdown between the scandal-ridden sides of Newcastle and Cronulla – followed by the squeaky clean Rabbitohs versus the Roosters.


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