A low-key, completely supervised, midweek social mixer is expected to become a full blown orgy tonight, that’s judging by a local year 12 student’s discreet purchase at a out-of-the-way supermarket this afternoon.

Betoota teenager Ed Coorey (17) has full intentions of using every single one of the 24 ultra-thin latex condoms he just bought, which have since been stashed inside his sportsbag, alongside the hip flask of Cointreau that he stole from his parents.

Despite not having a girlfriend and only ever receiving a hand-job once in his life, Ed is under the impression that he could be getting just as much action tonight, as he imagines he’ll get at Schoolies next week.

“Everyone’s finished exams, it’s basically already started” he says with a smirk, knowing that whichever lucky girl sleeps with him tonight will not have experienced such a high-performing sexual partner in their entire life.

“[haha] It’s gonna be so lit” he says, finally making use of the youthful term for partying, that he’s seen on meme pages for several years no.

With his mum expecting him home in the next twenty minutes for an debrief on how his exams went, the teenage sex machine will only have 85 minutes to have a shower and apply six coats of aftershave to his neck and wrists and penis, before being carpooled by the neighbour’s mum to a parent-heavy event several suburbs away.

“Wish me luck. Might bring someone back here aha” he says with a wink.


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