A seasonal shift seems to be doing something profound to the brain of a local father whose recent culinary escapades can only be described as fuck knows what.

For nine months of the year, Betoota Heights father of three Keiran Brush (43) can be described as a kitchen conservative, alternating between chicken schnitzel and beef stroganoff, both of which are noted for being his ‘famous’ varietal. 

However, in recent years it has been observed that the colder months have seen Brush become somewhat rogue in the kitchen, throwing together experimental dinners where cultural cuisines collide and nothing is sacred.

“It’s like living with Jamie Oliver but without all the time saved,” stated Brush’s youngest, and potentially most frightened, child, Harriette (10).

“He has put baked beans in every possible meal. Pizza with baked beans, baked bean salad, baked bean parmigiana, baked bean lasagne, baked bean fried rice, baked bean stew, roast chicken with baked bean stuffing, bbq pork baked bean buns, pasta alla baked beans, smoked baked bean pate and once he even made a baked bean pesto of which he gave several jars away in a church donation drive.”

When our reporting team remarked that Harriette spoke with a mature eloquence beyond her years, the slightly shaken youth quipped that she has had to grow up fast to deal with her father’s winter cooking.

We reached out to Keiran Brush with the aim of understanding his hysterical kitchen outbursts but instead chose to abandon the story when we saw the tyrannical patriarch moulding baked beans together with his bare hands to create a hybrid baked bean dumpling/meatball that he swore would taste delicious.


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