Louis Burke | Culture | Contact
Researchers are speculating possible distress signals emanating from part-time mechanic and fulltime uncle, Brian Murphy (51) as he continues to joke to anyone who will listen about why you should never get married.
Friends of Murphy state the almost-loveable larikin is never short of a few words, particularly about his ‘ex-missus’ who he never seems to want to talk about but usually does whenever he’s had a bevvy or two.
“Kids, I’ll give you some advice,” stated Murphy.
“Never get married.”
Although Murphy was noted to joke about marriage prior to and during his five-year marriage with ex-wife Linda Hayward, witnesses have noted his tone has shifted and speculated that maybe all he really wants is a hug and someone to talk to.
Those close to Murphy state his remarks about the institution of marriage have decreasingly been followed by his booming laughter and are more likely to be accompanied by a grave stare and a smile weaker than his white tea with four sugars.
Experts hypothesise his decreased gusto could be a sign that jokes about his failed marriage are actually a cry for help and his way of dealing with emotional torment due to being raised before men were allowed to have emotions.
“Seriously. Never get married. Don’t mate. Don’t.”
Recent interest in Uncle Brian’s behaviour has grown as the casual misogynist and often racist uncle has announced tentative plans to fill the gaping hole in his heart with state politics.
“You need someone who looks like they know how to fight and know how to root. And that’s me.”
Sad uncles everywhere are encouraged to seek help and are encouraged to have emotional conversations with their family that aren’t connected to their footy teams poor performance.
