A local woman has experienced the shock of her life today, after eating a falafel wrap in four minutes flat.

Sarah Young [32] is alleged to have grabbed the offending snack from her local kebab shop and was seen ferociously wolfing it down so quickly, that she consumed half the wrapper.

Chasing it down with a swig from the lukewarm bottle of sprite she kept in her console, Sarah was shocked to experience the repercussions of her piggery – a sharp, stabbing pain on the right side of her chest.

She explained the traumatic event to our reporter saying; “I honestly thought my time had come.”

“I could see it in the papers – ‘She died with a felafel in her hand.’ “I suppose if there was any way I was supposed to go, it’d be that.”

Sarah reports that together with the random chest pain, her body has started to fall apart in an order she didn’t expect.

For years, she’d believed the click-clacking she heard every time she bent down to pick something up meant that her knees would be the first parts of her body to give in.

But surprisingly, it’s her lower back that’s blown out.

“I don’t think humans were designed to live past thirty.”

“Can’t drink anywhere as much as I used to without getting hungover for three days.”

“When I was 18, I could eat a whole tub of ice cream for breakfast every day and still be rake thin.”

“Now all I need to do is smell a chocolate bar and I’ll gain weight.”

More to come.


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