ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights father has been charged with assaulting popular pizza delivery man, Dougie, after the fast-food worker allegedly failed to follow the correct spicy cough safety protocols when delivering a pizza to the Green Avenue address.
Police will allege that Mark Dale Smith, 65, put a good one on Dougie’s chin after he opened the door to see him standing there on his doorstep grinning.
After falling on hard times due to the ongoing pandemic, Dougie found work delivering pizzas in the young suburbs of our cosmopolitan desert community.
In a statement to the media, Smith said he was ‘shocked’ and ‘acted on instinct’ rather than out of malice.
“We live in a world where we have to assume that everyone has the Sydney Sneeze,” said Mr Smith.
“So when I opened the door, I was expecting to see the pizzas on the doormat. Instead, I see this bloke standing there grinning at me so I flattened him and took the pizzas from him,”
“Next minute, the police turned up. They try to put a set of handcuffs on me so I put one on some probationary constable’s chin then all hell breaks loose,”
“This big Sargeant comes running up my garden, he was one of those big young cops that wear those jumpsuits. The ones you’re not meant to fuck with. Anyway, I’m getting ready to flog the hero cop and he whips out his telescopic baton, which I consider to be cheating, and he gives me a flogging with it. Like I’m screaming like an animal getting eaten alive by a pack of dogs. Like this cop and his mate are just giving me the beating of a lifetime while this bloody probationary constable is snoring face-down on the front lawn missing out on all the action,”
“You’d never seen such a thing, I can’t even stand up properly. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to again. You can’t flog a 65-year-old man like that. They’re lucky they didn’t fucken kill me. Worst of all, they put me in the second ambulance so I had to wait while this Sargeant pinned me on the floor while I’m handcuffed and half-awake,”
“Anyway, this is clearly all Dougie’s fault. I’ve got hematomas all over my body, broken ribs and a hernia the size of Peru down in my groin. All for a $9 cheesy pizza.”
The Advocate reached out to the Betoota Heights Pizza Hut for comment but have yet to receive a reply.