FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

Despite the fact that for most people 2020 has been a dumpster fire of burning medical waste in an empty paddock of crops which are simultaneously scorched and washed away, a single phone has confirmed that it could be much, much worse.

The phone, belonging to you, precariously balanced on the toilet cistern in your friend’s bathroom, agrees that while 2020 has sucked balls thus far, at least your pictures, contacts, music library and apps are still nice and dry; an important consideration since you didn’t spring for the warranty and haven’t bothered to back up anything.

 In fact, reckons the phone, which is presently located immediately next to the flush button, on a slippery cistern lid which is actually slantier than it looks, if it did manage to perform a Flying Forward Somersault Three Quarter Twist With Pike Save Entry into the porcelain pool, your year would be significantly more shithouse than it already is. Especially since phones dropped into the toilet are classified as ‘hazardous organic waste’ which the Apple store won’t touch. That would really suck.

In a magnanimous gesture, the phone has decided you’ve been through enough this year and opts against going for a swim. However, your other friend is calling you to see where you are.

The phone vibrates, and the low coefficient of friction of the slanty cistern lid comes into play. You are standing at the sink. You turn and start to move in slow motion. The phone is moving too, towards the yawning toilet. Will you make it? Maybe. But then again; it is 2020.  


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