Like a milky King Midas being punished for his own greed, local Betootan Ravi Coulson (30) is battling with a hit of lactose after underestimating how much milkshake there is in one of those old tin cups.

Spending some time in a lovely coastal town that has only been half-fucked by Airbnb, Coulson stopped in at the local milk bar that is so trapped in an era that their ice cream freezers do not feature one current up-to-date logo.

Due to this nostalgia, Coulson decided to pull up a seat and fight the heat with a milkshake despite having mild lactose intolerance.

“I saw kids having some in those old tin cups, you know the ones,” stated Coulson, referring to the large tin cups that are only ever used as a vessel for milkshakes.

“They looked like they’d just be a little treat.”

Once on the receiving end of his straw, Couslon enjoyed a few deep childhood-resetting sips of his lime milkshake before looking into the tin cup and seeing that it still contained the same amount.

“It was like the fucking Magic Pudding it just would not go away,” Coulson told our reporting team, clutching his bloated stomach like he’d been shot.

Coulson then explained how finishing the milkshake became some mad sort of duty that he felt he owed to his young self, even if he spent the last half of it wondering why the fuck anyone, let alone him, would want lime as a flavour.

“Citrus and dairy, it shouldn’t fucking work!”

“Oh but it does though. It does.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I might die.”


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