ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Australia has officially welcomed its closest and most reliable strategic defence partner, with the New Zealand Army establishing a base in Northern Australia this week, as Roy and Tane from the army signed a lease on a two-bedder in Cairns.
The newly formed garrison, consisting of two blokes who played rugby together in Christchurch before joining the military for a laugh, has been described by defence analysts as “more than enough” in terms of regional security.
Despite having just one high-kilometre 4×2 Hilux and a brand new Glock 19 kept next to the margarine in the fridge, military strategists say Roy and Tane, both 28-years-old, bring something to Australia’s defence forces that no AUKUS alliance or American airbase ever could.
“Look, we tried to trust the Americans,” said an Australian Defence Force official, on the condition of anonymity.
“But they’re unreliable as fuck, and all they’ve given us so far is a blank invoice for some submarines that don’t exist. So we’ve decided to lean on our real mates, the blokes we actually like”
“Roy and Tane are here, and that means business. Fuck they can drink, too. We seen [sic] Roy throw a frisbee, or skimmer as he calls it, from one side of Gilligan’s to the other. They’re both fit as fuck, too.”
Recent military history backs up this sentiment.
Local sources in Cairns say Roy and Tane have wasted no time establishing a foothold in the region, quickly securing casual FIFO jobs and scouting a second operational base in Townsville.
“We’ve already seen deterrence in action,” said a senior Australian security official.
“Just the other day, a couple of US Marines were at a bar and Tane went up to them and said, ‘Watch this’, and he wrapped his lips around the entire rim of the schooner glass and drank the whole think without break the seal. He look at the Marines and said, ‘Your go, beetle dick!’ and the Americans just left. Classic Kiwi tactic to weird them out sufficiently that they retreat.”
For their part, Roy and Tane have confirmed that their deployment will last “as long as the lease goes,” with plans to extend their presence if Australia throws in a free gym membership and a garbage bag full of illicit vapes
Meanwhile, Australian Defence Minister Richard Marles is reportedly exploring the possibility of expanding the alliance, with preliminary discussions underway to station a couple of Bokke in Darwin and maybe a few stray Canucks in Perth.
