LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Local Betootan Karina Nashteeth (29) has narrowed down the cause of her incessantly trembling tummy to three possible suspects.
At the time of writing, Nashteeth believes that her constantly unsettled gut is caused by either IBS, constant stress, her drinking or, most likely, a bit of all three.
“Every day, it’s like my insides are crawling with huntsmen,” stated Nashteeth, who like all people of her generation look at cows milk as nothing but a fond memory.
“It could be IBS which would require medication, stress related which would require a holiday, or it could be because of drinking which would require me to cut down…actually, fuck finishing that sentence.”
Short for irritable bowel syndrome, IBS is an intestinal disorder that can cause stomach pain, wind, diarrhoea and constipation, and is currently the chronic condition of choice for trendy Millennials.
While Nashteeth claims that sounds about right, she also believes her stomach being as upset as Paul Kent when an Islander NRL player sneezes could be due to the constant stress of the world around her pressing down like a railway sleeper on her chest.
“Well my landlord wants the property back so I have to move which involves paying more money for a shitter place if I want to stay in the same area and have the two hours required to fill out a lease application.”
“If I manage to get a place I should be able to cover rent, rates and basic groceries while only eating $50 into my savings per week. Plus all the expenses of moving itself and likely never getting my bond back.”
“I’m angling for a pay rise at work which, if the last three years are anything to go by, should happen when work is secure again.”
With this constant stress, it’s no surprise that Nashteeth has turned to the time-tested stress relief of alcohol every evening, which as we all know can fuck up our bowels like a prog-rocker can fuck up a party playlist.
Although Nashteeth has the three suspects cornered, she is not ruling out a possible three-pronged coordinated method, even if she has ruled out doing anything about it.
“I can’t just go to the doctor, I’ve only got one thing wrong. With bulk billing gone I really need to make the visit worth my while with bulk ailments. No offence to my local medical centre but they are really not worth paying for.”
MORE TO COME.