A lone spreadsheet warrior is reevaluating his life choices this morning, coming to the realisation that he’s screwed up his ability to strategically book annual leave.

Glumly staring out the window of his 17-story office building in Betoota’s finance district, 29-year-old Account Manager Ken Phillips can’t believe his own stupidity, as he realises he’s the only white-collar employee in Australia working today.

After spending more than half of his Easter break in transit, battling airport queues and banked up traffic, it’s understood Ken is comprehending how he’s really made a mess of the chance to enjoy a proper holiday.

“I mean Easter was fine, but it took me almost six hours to get to Brisbane and when I got there Mum’s spread was a bit ‘How ya going’” 

“She went rogue this year and tried some new Ottolenghi recipes, and I’ll be honest, those eggplants looked and tasted like a pile of burning tyres.

Picking up his phone in the hope of finding some distraction, Ken’s horror was further compounded after being blasted with posts from coworkers soaking up an extra week of leave on beaches in Noosa, Bondi and Cottesloe.

Watching a six-part Instagram story of his bosses trip to Fiji, Ken has admitted to The Advocate that not a single email he sends today will matter.

“When your whole team is on holiday, your boss has left the country and even HR guy is out camping, what the fuck am I meant to do today?”

“I’m literally here to turn the fridge on, send a few emails that will inevitably bounce back and then switch the lights off.”

“Course my whole team will roll in next week after Anzac Day asking what’s the status of all these projects and it’ll be up to me to show them that I’ve kept it moving…”

“Screw this, I’m spending today roadmapping my leave for Christmas and that’ll bite them all on the ass!”

More to come.


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