ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local man has entered what he describes as his own tomb after consuming an entire six-pack of ALDI hot cross buns in a single sitting, leading to a severe afternoon sugar crash.
Michael Dunne, a 32-year-old from our town’s aspirational Heights district, had purchased the buns for just $3, telling himself he would pace their consumption over a few days. However, after toasting the first one and adding butter, he quickly lost control. By the time he realised what was happening, he had eaten all six, with some topped with maple syrup for extra indulgence.
Dunne, who works from home on Mondays, initially felt triumphant and alive before glancing at the nutritional panel. It was then he discovered he had consumed over 500 grams of sugar, not including the added butter and syrup. His body held on until 4, when he experienced a rapid drop in blood sugar and was forced to retreat to his bedroom.
“It hit me like a Roman spear,” Dunne said.
“I knew I was entering my own tomb. I had crucified my pancreas.”
His housemate, Liam Barrett, confirmed Dunne was last seen muttering “It is finished” before collapsing onto his bed. He is expected to make a sluggish recovery by early evening, at which point he will likely search the fridge for another snack.
Biblical scholars might argue Dunne’s fate could have been avoided had he adhered to Proverbs 25:16: “If you find honey, eat just enough. Too much and you will vomit.”
More to come.
