Local man Martin Scarret has dramatically revealed he is finally giving up on the dating scene for good today by purchasing a used Kia Rio.

Kiosk cashier Martin’s already shaky love life was hit hard this year, with a slew of potential Tinder matches kept at bay by COVID-19. In addition, the temporary closure of the mall kiosk at which he works has slashed his date budget so his throwing in of the towel has come as no surprise to his friends.

Long-term mate Terry said the news was a bit disappointing but unsurprising, all things considered.

“I guess he won’t be my wingman anymore”, said Terry, looking wistfully at a party photo from happier times. “Poor bugger, guess he just couldn’t take it”.

Sadly, the only person who thinks his love life still has a chance is Martin himself. Unable to accept his social retirement, the 26-year-old claimed it was business as usual.

“What? Why would I give up my social life? All I did was trade in my Pulsar. The Kia is a pretty good car actually. Only 140,000 kms, the air con works good, paintwork is almost perfect. Great buy; it was only $4990. As soon as this Corona shit is over we can drive it into the city, hit up the Retro again and get down with a few hen’s parties, baby!”

For Terry, the sight is heartbreaking.

“Poor deluded bugger, he just can’t accept it’s over. If you didn’t know better you would swear it was the same old Martin, but he definitely has a Kia Rio; he showed it to me.”


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