EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

An exciting new scientific breakthrough has been discovered this week, as biologists reveal that yes, men’s sneezes do get louder as they get older.

This research also states that the sound is ‘almost doubled’ if a man becomes a father, and then ‘doubled again’, should they become a grandfather, with a study even reporting that one elderly man let out a sound that was ‘louder than a jet engine.’

One family that can confirm these findings is Betoota Heights locals, the Chapmans, who saw the transformation first hand when John became a grandfather.

His wife Ruth states that John was already pretty fucking loud when he sneezed, which she’d grown to believe was just his way of getting attention.

But these suspicions proved to be wrong, as sneezes weren’t the only bodily function that was getting louder.

“His snoring is also out of control”, complains Ruth, “I feel like I’m sleeping next to a freight train.”

“And the farts, Jesus Christ the farts.”

“They’re so loud they sound fake.”

Adding that the birth of their first grandson had been understandably delightful, Ruth says the bodily noises are now almost too much to bear.

“It’s earth shattering.”

More to come.


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