ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local father-of-four-and-former-warrior slumped back into his couch last night and lit up some lung candy, stared pensively into his OLED television and turned to his family to proclaim that even he, a chinless refrigeration magnate, could’ve smashed the Ninja Warrior obstacle course back in his day.
By his day, Glenn McNally means the summer on 1974.
“I was a bit of a weapon back then,” explained the 69-year-old.
“Look at these ‘roided up handbags doing the jungle gym while all these other worthless sacks of 9-day old hummus in the stands chap and cheer them on. Back in my day, we just would’ve done it. Then had a few loud schoons [schooners] with the fellas afterwards, assaulted some hippie, eaten a big gluten-heavy meal on the couch watching Countdown before 135 seconds of missionary and no eye contact,”
“I’d eaten these show ponies in two seconds flat. I was a fucking AN-I-MAL back in the day.”
However, Glenn’s wife was quick to point out that an apparent ‘back injury’ and ‘flat feet’ that kept him out of the Vietnam War draft would’ve also ruled him out of doing nearly everything on the Ninja Warrior course.
Wanda McNally also alluded to the fact that the two man-boobed teens sprawled out on the living room floor playing Tekken 4 were benefactors of Glenn’s unsinkable genetic code.
“Glenn and the boys hoover a box of frozen oriental-themed hors d’oeuvre each night before tea,” she said.
“And sometimes tea is just more out-of-the-box hors d’oeuvres. They’re all whiter than John Candy’s left arse cheek and none of them could run out of sight on a dark night. Ever. Don’t listen to a word he says. But he’s a good provider and makes me laugh, so I’m indifferent.”
More to come.