8 March, 2017. 12:23

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

If you’ve run your hand under any restaurant, pub or club table around town and felt a small crop chewing gums stuck to the underside, chances are it was put there by Elliot ‘Stagecoach’ Cunningham.

For the past 20 years, the Dolphins hooker has terrorised publicans and restaurateurs with his discarded bubble gum wrappers and chewed goblets scattered and stuck under their tables.

Earlier today, the confirmed omnivore spoke candidly to The Advocate about how he gets off by being the sole Hubba Bubba aficionado left in Betoota.

“Most of the chewing and bubble gum you see in the big smoke is stuck on the footpath,” he said.

“I don’t do that, that’s disgusting. Sticking it under tables is the environmental option. That way, somebody has to take a paint scraper to the underside and put all the chewed gum into the rubbish. That’s how I get my bean strum, by helping the environment.”

However, not everybody around town has the same amount of praise Stagecoach Cunningham has for himself.

One quiet evening in April of last year, ambulance crews attended the Wu-Fuk Chinese All-You-Can -Eat on Morrison Street after reports emerged that a 26-year-old man had been booted across the head.

A Wu-Fuk manager had just witnessed Elliot take a sickly blob of watermelon flavoured bubble gum out of his mouth and stick it under the table.

“He kicked me so hard across the face, the stitching in the ugg boot he was wearing left a bruise up the side of my head,” he said. “I took him to court and won.”

In the ensuing ambulance ride, Stagecoach’s heart stopped twice and his retinas detached. The kick also perforated one of his ear drums.

“Had I known Jackie fucking Chan was working there, I would’ve been more discreet!”

More to come.


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