ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local man has tonight seized the rare opportunity to explain the global bond market to a group of his closest mates, none of whom asked, and all of whom visibly tensed when he said the phrase yield curve inversion with confidence.
Thursday arvo drinks were just getting going at the Gunt Road Hotel when 32-year-old Callan Cunce, a mid-tier project manager and recent convert to the church of finance podcasts, decided it was time to shine.
“Let me tell you about the bond market,” said Callan, after two pints of Tooheys Ultra Zero Carb and a barely relevant mention of Donald Trump’s latest tariff happenings.
According to sources within the group, this is Callan’s third Thursday in a row turning a regular catch-up into a TED Talk. Last week it was AI. The week before that it was lithium ETFs. Tonight, it’s the long-term impact of fiscal tightening on US treasury yields.
“He’s been listening to The Money Cuck and Fist Me or whatever it’s called,” said mate Josh Melrose.
“Suddenly he’s a bond trader. Last month, he thought the Nasdaq was an energy drink.”
As Callan launched into a detailed and slightly confused explanation of credit default swaps, the group nodded politely and sipped their pints and looked around the room. Some tried to change the subject to footy. One went out for a grey market Chinese breath mint. But Callan held the floor like a Nuremberg prosecutor.
“The tariffs are driving inflationary expectations which is spooking the debt market,” said Callan.
“You see, the US 10-year yield has jumped 35 basis points in four days. That’s why the ASX is cooked. It’s not just vibes, it’s macro.”
Callan reportedly became agitated when mate Reilly asked if that meant house prices were going down.
“Bro, it’s so much more than that,” said Callan.
Despite the lecture, no one at the table owns any bonds, has a mortgage, or plans on investing in anything that doesn’t result in instant gratifictation.
Callan, who works in marketing for a boutique co-working space, has no formal financial training but says he’s “learning a lot” from the podcasts he listens to during his commute from the godless shithole he lives in.
The group says they’ve considered calling him out but don’t want to discourage self-improvement, even when it comes in the form of unsolicited economic commentary.
“Look, he means well,” said Josh.
“And it’s Thursday. We’re all just trying to hit peak hangover by Friday so we can bounce back for the weekend.”
As the sun set and the fourth round hit the table, Callan’s voice could still be heard above the jukebox.
“It all comes back to the yield, boys. The yield is everything.”
More to come.
