After years of silent compliance Susanne,* girlfriend of career kidnapper Brody,* has stated she is tired of having her magazines cut up and used for ransom letters.

Throughout their four year relationship, Susanne has enjoyed certain aspects of being the partner of a career kidnapper but has struggled in silence with others.

“I put up with a lot, his late starts, the noise from the cellar, never being able to ever use the car boot,” stated Susanne as she held a mangled magazine of hers.

“But enough is enough. This was the last ever issues of Australian Cosmopolitan he just cut up. Where am I supposed to get sex tips now?”

According to Brody, he requires the letters from his girlfriend’s magazines to send untraceable ransom notes to the family of his kidnap victims as he still hasn’t figured out how to set up his wireless printer up correctly.

“I don’t like printed notes anyway, no tradition, where’s the respect for the victim’s families?” he stated as he cut the P off the cover of Peppermint magazine, pasting it with care to form the word ‘pay.’

“She pays for these with the money I earn from ransom, so really it’s just a bit of give and take. That’s just the line of work.”

Brody’s excuses for the trauma he has caused to Susanne by cutting up her magazines are not good enough according to Susanne, who would much rather he write the notes with his left hand or use letters from his car magazines.

“I don’t want to hear it, some of those magazines are very valuable! I’ve got one with Clarkson on the front, that’s got to be worth something. I wonder how much you could get for kidnapping him? You’d need two roles of duct tape for his mouth alone I reckon,” Brody said.

For Susanne, this is no matter that can be solved with a high profile kidnapping and she is demanding that Brody either stop dissecting her magazines or propose to her like they’ve talked about.

*Real names not used.


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