EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

In some lighter news, the city of fake boobs and tribal tatts has experienced a lull in bar brawls this week, with locals citing that even the Star Casino has reported little to no fisty cuffs.

It’s understood that news of the peace spread fast amongst the locals, allowing both noodle boys and gentle giants the chance to go out without fear of being attacked.

Our reporter speaks to a local body builder named Craig Johnson [35], whose brick shithouse stature and shaved head makes him look like a prime fighting opponent for bloke’s wanting to prove their masculinity.

“Yeah I haven’t bothered going out in months”, says Craig, “insecure roid heads love nothing more than finding the biggest bloke in the bar and trying to deck him.”

“I don’t want to fight though. I’m just out to have a boogie.”

Another bloke, David Kelly [24], states that he finally has the chance to wear his favourite floral button down without being called a slur, stating he might even feel comfortable enough to pair it with his favourite leather woven shoes.

“I once wore a pink shirt out, fuck me that was a bad idea.”

“So yeah, I’ve just tried to keep my head down until now, you know, don’t wear anything that could attract attention.”

Though many people were left wondering where on earth all the bogans had gone, the dots were quickly joined when it was discovered that Bali had recently opened up their international borders again – an announcement that drew so much traffic from the Gold Coast and Bondi, Jetstar was reportedly out of action for several hours due to multiple crashes on the site.

Locals have now been urged to enjoy nightlife while they can and to not get too complacent, and to take refuge in the Chameleon Lounge if the back of their neck starts tingling.

More to come.


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