LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
During his son’s bucks event, father of the groom Darren Schmit (58) came to the disturbing conclusion that his soon-to-be-wed son is friends with some certified soft cocks who have a pretty pissy idea of what constitutes a blowout.
Begrudgingly invited to his son’s “bucks weekend” in the Diamantina’s fabled Vineyard District, Schmit promised his son he would get out of the way once the young men descended to the typical hot-blooded shenanigans that make bucks nights unforgettable.
Unfortunately for Schmit, such a time did not arise.
After four hours of sampling organic wines, Schmit came to the realisation none of the sommeliers were going to get their kit off and defile his son’s future marriage as was the tradition.
“Is this a Christian bucks or something?” asked Schmit as he stared at a roomful of men who would be fucked if conscription ever came back.
“When my brother got married we spiked his beer with metho, handcuffed him nude to an ambulance and dipped him in tar! He had to get married like that and everything!”
Witnesses state Schmit attempted to push the party up a notch by adding vodka to their wine and trying to start a food fight with the curated cheeseboard.
At 10:05 pm, Schmit reportedly called everyone a series of derogatory names and declared he was going to bed, only to have everyone agree with him so they could be up early to see the sunrise the next day.
“Why do they need whole weekends for this shit now? We used to have one night, just one, and we were happy to have it!”
“Take your mate out, get him sauced, put him in a dress, chain him to a ball and leave him on the shoulder of a highway with nothing but the slim chance he might die if he spews in his sleep. Classic shit.”
According to the groom, Darren Schmit Jnr (32), his PG-rated bucks event is just what he wanted and has a few theories on why his dad might be disappointed.
“People want to get married these days and I don’t think he understands that,” stated Schmit Jnr as he ensured his contact lenses were properly stored before bed.
“The whole ‘last night of freedom’ thing is what men did when they were marrying someone they already blamed for everything.”
“I love my fiance, I don’t need my mates to nail my scrotum to a chessboard to feel alive one last time. I want good cheese, wine and a good chat about our extension English major works and what we’d do differently nowadays.”
