As Australian Halloween celebrations continue to increase in popularity so to the opinions of people who think the event is a crock because they never did it when they were kids.

“If I’d of tried that my mum would have given me the spoon,” states boomer and Halloween denier Carol Colt (68). 

“And this was when the streets were still gravel mind you.”

So strong is Colt’s disdain for the spooky holiday, the former horse riding instructor has vowed to not give young people lollies at any of her five properties.

“It’s stupid and it’s American.”

Aside from fears of Americanisation, Colt is concerned that giving children lollies will reinforce the lack of effort that seems to plague the participation generation.

“I used to work for 12 hours raking a tennis court for the Rothschilds just to earn a pence to buy one and a half liquorice old boys. Mind you, this was before there was rakes so we were combing the courts with our hands but we were happy to do it.”

According to Colt, due to the absence of her personal and very particular type of childhood trauma, children today have no concept of how to earn anything fairly which is why her expansive real estate portfolio is going ‘Halloween Free.’

“They’re into that, everything is ‘gluten-free’ or ‘nut-free’ these days anyway, probably will make them want it more the little shits.” 

“If they knock on my door there will be no lollies. If they knock on the terrace in the city I’m renting to my eldest there will be no lollies there. If they knock on that little bungalow by the coast Merle got for my 50th there will be no lollies there ‘cept maybe a couple of Soothers.”

“And if any costumed ankle biters should make it home with a coupla reclaimed Soothers they should be bloody grateful to live in a country where kids don’t have to have sore throats anymore!”


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