LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Betoota CBD stock broker Linas Courtauld (31) has taken the first positive step in his life and admitted he is struggling with addiction.
Courtauld shared the news with his close friends over the weekend, who assumed the professional piss-cutting-legend might be talking about alcohol, gambling or even porn.
However, their faces were whiter than Courtauld’s right nostril on a Sunday morning when he informed them he was addicted to expensive Australian cocaine, suggesting that he really must have been going rather hard on the bags.
Much like mullets, cocaine is a 1980s classic that has made a big comeback in contemporary Australian culture, especially amongst those who might just have a big one this weekend.
Unlike homegrown Aussie mullets however, cocaine is produced primarily in South America where it is then shipped to the USA, Europe & Asia before finally limping it over to Australia where users pay a premium price to fairly reimburse the entrapped drug mules who made it all possible.
It is for this reason that Courtauld’s cocaine addiction is actually kind of impressive as he must be doing pretty well at work to afford the trenches of Aussie cocaine required to get properly hooked on the stuff.
“Yeah, even for a stock broker I was hitting it quite hard,” stated Courtauld, wishing he had never watched The Wolf Of Wall Street during his gap year in Banff.
“If you’re just having one line you might as well grab yourself a Red Bull for all the good it will do you.”