CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
The Australian Wallabies have been spotted this week observing the unique Australian cultural ritual of telling your boss to get fucked, as a possible pre-match war dance.
After nearly a century facing up against the All Blacks traditional ancestral challenge of the Māori people of New Zealand known as the haka – The Australian rugby union side has decided it might be time to respond with something other than John Williamson singing Waltzing Matilda.
Coach Michael Cheika has said it is time to find an Australian version of the haka that invokes our nations deep cultural traditions, namely the trade union movement which dates back to the Eureka Stockade.
“We spent months trying to find the right war-cry” he says
“We were told explicitly by the Department Of Sport to avoid an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander ceremony – Apparently it was just too divisive for greater Australian population and an uncomfortable thing for them to acknowledge”
“So we decided on the union movement. They seem to have close ties with every work site in the country”
The Construction, Forestry, Mining and Energy Union (CFMEU) is Australia’s main trade union in construction, forestry and furnishing products, mining and energy production. With offices in all capital cities in Australia and in many major regional centres. The union has an estimated 120,000 members and employs around 400 full-time staff and officials.
It is one of Australia’s most historic and powerful cultural and political institutions, with a range of rituals and war-cries that seem to be prioritized well above Australia’s own Indigenous people when it comes to national identity.
Wallabies Michael Cheika says that while the New Zealand haka has a unique tie to land, spirit and ancestry – the proposed Austalian haka is more about captivating our nation’s cultural deficit with undertones of anti-authority, occupational safety precautions and overly-masculine machoism.
Several proposed chants include “When I say Liberals, you say grubs! Liberals! Grubs! Liberals! Grubs”
Or “Organise, unite, fight! If you don’t fight ya lose”
However, while the CFMEU protests seem like an appropriate option when trying to represent the Australian spirit, there are concerns that an association with the Australian labour movement may upset a large majority of rugby union fans.
“I just don’t like it” says one Waratahs die-hard, Benjamin Whitely-Pearson (53).
“It’s not at all representative of our culture. These union grubs are the reason my family’s asbestos mining operations were shut down”
“Not to mention the red tape they put around the new set of flats I’m trying to build near the airport. Since when has it been unreasonable to except scaffolders to work 18 hour days?”
“I spose it’s got to be better than an Aboriginal war dance, but I still don’t think there is anything wrong with Eagle Rock”